The Road To Hell .....

THE ROAD TO HELL



I swear to God, I travelled the Road To Hell last week ... in my efforts to reach the Hoopoe Yurt Hotel down near Cortes de La Frontera in Málaga ....

It ranks as one of my worst ever driving experiences - at one point I thought I was going to be found, in true Bridget Jones style, being eaten by Alsatians, MONTHS later .....


Having booked my 3 day holiday online, I was sent a map on how to get there - a simple drawing that had been scanned in for me to print out. Which I did. And it worked fine until I got to the cross roads by the petrol station - where it was also fine as the map made it quite clear I should turn left.

The tarmac / concrete on the road, within a very few metres, went to the right and there was a "left turn" which was pretty much straight ahead, however as the concrete goes to the right, so did I - after all - there was no "turn left" indicator on the map - no indicator of any roads for that matter .....

I reversed out again some 10 minutes later as said road took me 2km down a track at which point the road ran out, tipped VERY steeply away from me, and turned into the Road To HELL - I joke NOT.

So I turned around after backing out of Hell some long distance and went back to the petrol station and asked for help - to which I was told categorically that you go down the unmade-up road and when you see the white house, you turn right ....

OH MY GOD ..........

Alone, in my car, with my mobile signal faltering, I returned and teetered over the edge of this precipice - staring down at the gouges of earth, rocks the size of my head, gulleys where flash floods had carved out and deluged away what earth remained ... and my hammering heart was palpably chewable in my chattering sweaty mouth ....

I gripped the wheel tighter, raised my shoulders by a foot, said a prayer, and eased over the brink, foot jammed on the brake as I swerved and scraped, avoided and manoeuvred my way down the road to end all roads ..... And 400 yards later came to a fork in the road ....


And no White House .....


To say I said SH*T to myself would be an understatement .....


I carried on a little way straight ahead and just knew it was wrong, so backed up, VERY slowly, using my mirrors like crazy to stop myself gouging either side of the car on jagged rocks or trees ....

And took the right turn ....

BIG MISTAKE ....

That was a track with 3 foot high central growth which HID BOULDERS - boulders which hit and scraped the underbelly of my car and terrified me even more .....

And I arrived at another dead end .....

The map beside me winked at me so I grabbed my mobile and scanned it for their number ----- which wasn't THERE!! I could have SCREAMED at this point as I realised that I had absolutely no choice whatsoever - I HAD TO BACK OUT OF THERE !!!!!


I nearly pood myself and was gulping back the urge to scream, cry, run away ..... it was the worst drive of my life - even worse than my 27 km adventure on an unmade up road last year ... scraping and crunching back up this unbelieveably tiny track trying to avoid damaging my car any more - back to the fork at the bottom of the scariest road I have ever driven ..... The stench coming from the engine scared me more than anything else - and the prospect of HOW do I get out of this mess ?

So I commenced a 455 point turn - inching forwards and backwards between rocks, trees, boulders and spikes - painfully slowly edging the car from precipice to smashed light fitting, over and over, until I was pointing once again at the Road from Hades, but this time I had to go UP the B*gger .....

20 minutes later, my body absolutely ice cold with sweat - even my sweat was sweating - I found myself at the top of the road with tears of relief pouring down my face.

I went back to the petrol station, shaking like a jelly, and told them what had happened to which they said "You turned right?" .... I asked what they meant and it then all became horribly clear - the road that bent to the right with a left turn coming in was actually a straight ahead road with a right turn going off it, no matter what the cement lines may say ....

I could have sobbed ... The stress I had caused myself was off the scale - even childbirth was easier than that .....